He has sent me sign after sign after sign, that this is him who sent me this person. Meanwhile, the act of spending time with this person and going out with them to dinner and breakfast and many other things and places – it gave me just a tiny taste of remembering what it’s like to have that special person in your life again. Next thing I knew, I was creating a profile and putting up my pictures. And let me tell you, the past four weeks have been a complete shit-show. (most members use a screenname instead of their actual name.) At first, only seconds after I joined, I was feeling a bit cocky and good about myself, because I was getting a BOATLOAD of chat requests. Everything else, real: John: Hey gorgeous Me: Hi there, how are you doing today? I was crushed because this is what is out there for me. Crushed because I didn’t want to do this in the first place, and it was supposed to be fun, and I was supposed to have a lighthearted and fun time with it.It reminded me what it’s like to spend time with someone who thinks you are special or pretty or who holds the door open for you or kisses your hand and forehead. This amazing guy, that’s who.) When I got back home, I started to think to myself just how much I MISS all of that in my life. (one of my dead husband’s favorite terms, so I figured it was appropriate here.) Here is what I have learned in four weeks: Dating sucks. “Well this isn’t so bad”, I naively thought to myself. This is when I quickly realized that this was going to be a train-wreck of epic proportions. John: I’ll be better when you’re pressing those titties on my face. Crushed because talking to these idiots and trying to navigate these stupid conversations and figure out what their agenda is and who is being honest and who is going to disappear after a really nice conversation – is really exhausting and not what I want to be doing with my time.Then, about 10 months ago, someone appeared out of the blue. I hope you don’t have any of that going on below though. Most of these people, as you can see, just want something sexual, with someone they don’t even know at all.This person was not pursuing me, and I was not pursuing them. I like my women to be nice and clean , totally shaven. Then there is the category of men who chat with you, call you on the phone, have a number of nice conversations with you, and then completely disappear forever with zero explanation.
It was supposed to be fun – a way to just be part of the social dating world again for awhile and feel human again and loved again, because I’m finally ready for that and longing for that.And because the person that I want those things WITH isn’t in a place to be able to do that with me, so I’ve been trying to find pieces of that magic in other places. What I have with this person, is special between US, and will remain between us.I won’t find pieces of that by looking for it somewhere else. I’m gonna need a lot of cake to deal with these clowns.So I’ll just have to hold onto it and keep on keeping the faith that one day this person, who is most likely reading this right now, will realize that I AM FUCKING AWESOME, and he should just be with me already because life is really fucking short and why not help each other through it and have some joy within our pain. In the meantime, this dating stuff is starting to feel like work, and I’m not even getting paid for it. But nothing about dating in today’s world is simple.
On my drive to work that morning, just an hour or so after this had happened, I spoke to my friend on the phone.